The Most Significant Capability a Leader Can Develop

By Dr. Scott Hagan

I called three people looking for assistance with a difficult conversation on my schedule. It took me a while to identify the difficult part of the conversation. I knew the content. I knew the audience. I knew the schedule. Yet, I had convinced myself that the person I would speak to might not be able to handle what I would have to share. I took a set of unrelated ‘facts’ and fabricated a story that they would not be able to understand what I was saying. Finally, on my third call seeking help, the person on the other end of the line remarked that he understood why I did not want to look like a bad guy. Oh my, he identified it. The only difficult part of the conversation was internal.

Since then, I found this quote by Edwin Friedman that perfectly described my struggle. “The notion that people might not be able to "take" the truth probably has more to do with the anxiety of the individuals who are thinking that way” (Generation to Generation, p 172).

This pattern has repeated itself in my life and ministry over the years. It is motivated by my basic fear - that my efforts will fail to garner praise and positive attention. I did not want to increase anxiety in others, so instead, I took on the anxiety myself. While this sounds admirable, it serves no one in the long run. Friedman would say, “...the capacity of members of the clergy to contain their own anxiety regarding congregational matters…may be the most significant capability in their arsenal” (208). Friedman extends the value of such self-differentiation for congregational leaders to family systems, including marriage and parenting. This is a powerful skill for every arena of life.

To be a non-anxious presence is to “keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,” as Rudyard Kipling aptly wrote. It is owning the part of a problem you created but seeing that there is more going on in any system than can be reduced to one scapegoat. A non-anxious presence can hear and even say hard things while honoring the other person. This sounds like what it means to live by the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

This is another example of God returning me to something I already knew but needed to re-member in my heart. 

The Rev. Dr. Scott Hagan is the District Superintendent of the Coastal and Northeast Districts.